THE LONG AWAITED RETURN HOME for the Brazilian Returnee
a message for parents and their returning students
Parents will be Parents
Being apart from their teenagers for a year or so can be an intriguing experience to some families. Sometimes Brazilian mothers try to solve every potential problem from afar for their sons and daughters, but end up making it more difficult, for the teenagers have their own insights. Mothers may pester their sons and daughters about wearing the warmest coat before going outside in the snow, while what the teenagers are really worried about is buying sunglasses and shorts—because they want to get some sun, of course. Fathers may not be as communicative and emotional as mothers, but they miss their teenagers just as much. They just have a different way of expressing it.
Our brave teenagers want to exercise their independence and expect their parents to understand and respect this impulse towards personal growth. They will most certainly come back home proud of themselves for having “conquered the world!” Congratulations to the parents, for being so generous and trustful, and to the teenagers, for confronting the challenges and risking!
What to Expect
The expectations teenagers bring home from abroad are quite high, did you know that? They truly believe everyone is going to be happy after all and there will never be any differences among you anymore. Parents also tend to think that.
In the coming days before the re-entry emotions take over, everybody is excited. It’s great being home again! Enjoy the most of these wonderful feelings and try to give the warmest welcome your teenager deserves! Typically they will be more loving than ever; without a doubt, the year apart can strengthen the emotional bond between parents and their sons or daughters. Teenagers often come back with a greater appreciation of their own culture and reality, cherishing every little detail they once ignored. Allow yourselves to bask in the affection and gratitude of your son; savor the authenticity of your daughter’s love.
A Memo for the Returnee
Happiness, euphoria, magic… when you first come back to Brazil you realize people have never been so delightful when you are with them, because now everyone is interested in you. Enjoy! Tell them everything you feel like, with all the details. Show the letters, post cards, leaflets, pictures…. They are all very interested in listening to you. But, please, do that just until the third or fourth day, ok?
Friends and family don’t usually have patience for listening to your thrilling stories over and over again… I understand you are extremely excited and bubbly, but that’s YOU, and this excitement might get a little boring after a while for the ones who are observing from the outside.
What Parents Should Know
This situation is specifically difficult for parents as well. They know for a fact that they are about to discover this “new person” who came back from abroad full of energy, enthusiasm and joy for life! What we must understand here is that students overcame many obstacles to reach a new level of maturity and autonomy, and it is essential for parents to understand and respect that. Needless to say being supportive and actually listening and interacting with them is essential.
In terms of active listening, dear parents, here’s a tip: instead of just listening to your son and agreeing with him, try to hear the words that are not spoken. There’s a need behind pretty much everything they say. For example, when your son comes to you saying he is happy he could communicate very well with the people in the host country, he is saying he is very proud of his improvement in terms of the acquisition of a second language and hope as you understand and value that. The best way of listening to your son is with an open heart and love.
Teenagers might come back with habits from the host culture. Here’s an example: an 18-year-old named Gustavo came back to Brazil from Sydney, Australia, where he spent 6 months living with a typical Aussie family. His parents were a bit shocked at first, because Gustavo would refuse to eat the typical Brazilian breakfast (which includes sandwiches, coffee, milk, cereal, cheese, fruit, orange juice) and insisted on preparing a Latte and baking blueberry muffins.
There are no blueberries in Brazil, people don’t usually have Lattes and we sit down at the table to have breakfast, we don’t walk around the street holding breakfast. Day one of these changes, it was OK; everyone was so happy he was home…. Let the boy show us what he’s got! But after a few days the atmosphere in the house wasn’t the best. Gustavo drove his parents mad because he couldn’t stop complaining that he couldn’t find blueberries to bake his own muffins! What was at first seen as an eccentricity became a nightmare! He complained and cursed his own country for not having blueberries available.
Oh, and what to say about Gustavo’s pancakes and scrambled eggs? He could just swear scrambled eggs and pancakes for breakfast give you the energy you need to go through the day! To him, this was true because he lived for 6 months eating that in the morning. However, to his family, this breakfast wasn’t the healthiest so the family went through a period of tough negotiation…
Gustavo eventually returned to the Brazilian diet, but don’t expect your son or daughter to go back to behaving exactly the way they used to. They want to show they’re different and more mature. They have a new way of seeing things. These changes must be accepted, for they are a part of the personality of this new person. You might find it difficult at first, but little by little try to observe what you son or daughter needs and what YOU are going to have to change in your behavior in order to adjust.
A nice example was of a 16-year-old called Sabrina. At home, she didn’t have to worry about cleaning the house. Her bed was always made by the housekeeper; she had others to do her laundry and so on. Her greatest complaint was that her family treated her like a little girl and her opinion didn’t count much. After six valuable months Germany, Sabrina learned what it meant to be self-reliant, organized and worthy of attention.
The habits she had brought with her from Brazil did not adapt at all to her German host family and in a matter of weeks she knew all the rules – the spoken and the unspoken ones – and she determined that she would reorganize herself to cope with all those changes. It was obviously pretty hard at first—it is very difficult to change the way you behave in such a short period of time—but with courage and patience she was able to adapt and take care of all these little things herself.
When Sabrina came back SHE was teaching the housekeeper what to do! She could easily organize her bedroom, wash her own laundry and speak her mind quite freely. Friends and family didn’t believe she could have changed so much in only six months, but patiently gave her space to express her new side. Successful experiences like this one have a very positive impact on a person’s self-image.
It was more difficult for the family to realize Sabrina wasn’t the same and, therefore, she couldn’t be treated the usual way. With her exchange program, she regained her self-esteem before her family and friends. Sabrina’s parents had to adjust and accept her the way she really was, not the way they wanted or expected her to be: still a little bit dependent and infantile.
Having explained that, we hope to leave you wondering what is it that you expect after an exchange program. If we could leave a tip, it would be this: be ready for the results of this great experience. Words can’t describe the mix of emotions such changes provoke in us, so just be open and willing to exchange not just experiences, but also love.
Welcome home again!
Andréa Sebben & Raquel Fernandes
Equipe Andréa Sebben
Cross-Cultural Training and Psychology
www.andreasebben.com.br
